Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Randomize
