btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
