Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
