Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
