I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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