Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize