i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
