we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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