i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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