You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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