i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
