I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
