remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
