I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
