Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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