Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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