I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
