I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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