I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
