I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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