This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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