so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
