my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
