I CAN MOONWALK!
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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