In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
