Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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