I got chris browned last night
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Randomize
