I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
The adults are the big ones right?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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