hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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