every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Randomize
