I accidentally had phone sex last night
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
