I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
