I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
