Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
