Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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