Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
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