Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
