I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
