First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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