I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize