I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Randomize