I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
