I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize