a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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