I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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