dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Randomize
