I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
