I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
