Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
