So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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