there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Randomize
