i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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