I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
