oh god the rape fog is back!
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
