Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Plan B is the new Plan A
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
