so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
he's gonorrhea incarnate
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize