morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
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