why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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