mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize