Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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