we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I need water and some morals
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
