found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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