omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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